BigHead in Little Danville
by Maetch
Summary: A series of Doof-related coincidences brings an old Norse relic into Candace's hands... and things are going to get ugly real fast. PnF/Mask Crossover
1. Chapter 1

My first true crossover fanfic. I'm actually kinda proud of it.

The Mask (c) Dark Horse Comics  
Phineas and Ferb (c) Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh  
This story (c) ME!

Phineas and Ferb presents...

_**Big-Head in Little Danville!**_

* * *

"Why is it every time Dad gets narcoleptic for history, he drags us to a museum?" Candace Flynn griped as she, her brothers and their pet platypus Perry followed their father Lawrence through the Danville Museum of Norwegian History. "And just when I finally had those two right where I wanted them."

Phinnas, meanwhile, had other things on his mind. "How's our status for the world's largest pizza coming, Ferb?" Ferb brought out a calculator, did some number-crunching, and handed it to Phineas. "I see," he replied. "If these calculations are right, the dough should be done rising by the time we get back. I only hope the guys are okay holding the fort down while we're gone."

* * *

Back at the Flynn house, Isabella had just arrived for her daily visit. "Hey, boys," she greeted. "Wha'cha doin'?"

"Can't talk!" Baljeet screamed as he and Buford strained themselves against the door of what appeared to be a very large oven as it shook and rumbled ominously. "Must keep rising dough within giant oven."

"Put'cha back into it!" Buford grunted. "She won't hold much longer!"

"I'm giving her all I've got, Captain!" Baljeet replied. Getting the hint, Isabella shoved against the oven door with them.

* * *

"Yes, Mom, a giant oven!" Candace reported over her cell phone. "Look, just take fifteen minutes off your Pilates appointment and run home. You can't miss it... What? You can't risk losing your spot?" Seeing that she wasn't going to be doing any preemptive brother-busting, she relented with a loud groan. "Alright, fine, but first thing when you're done. Call you back." Candace hung up and growled. "Alright, twerps. For now you're lucky, but once Mom gets home and sees that oven, you're in for the bust of your all-too-short lives."

Oblivious to his step-daughter's rage, Lawrence flipped through the museum guidebook as he led his young charges through an exhibit of ornamental masks. "According to Norwegian Mythology, the realm of Valhalla was ruled over by the chief god Odin and consisted of powerful deities such as Thor, Sif, Bauder, and Loki," he read. "Many Norwegian mortals made effigies of these gods in their honor and placed them on various shields, helmets and masks. Some believed that by wearing the mask of a god, they could be granted the powers of one." The slightly-absentminded father chuckled. "Oh, those Norse and their silly legends."

"Wow, these are some awesome masks," Phineas replied in awe as he glanced over the many ornate masks of gold, silver, and brass, "except that one." He pointed at a lone wooden mask sitting at the far end, looking somewhat pathetic compared to its bretheren. "That one looks so... plain. So sad."

"Like it's seen into the collective soul of humanity as we know it," Ferb simply said.

Lawrence called out to the kids. "C'mon, you three. The history film's starting."

Not thinking much else on it, the brothers walked away after their dad. Candace, however, paused. For some reason, the wooden mask seemed to be... looking at her. Enticing her. Calling to her. "Yeah, go ahead and lay on the guilt trip, ya piece of wood," Candace inexplicibly snapped. "You think you've seen it all, don't you? Well, I've got news for you, frowny... You have no idea!" As she walked away, the mask shimmered eerily, almost as if it heard her.

"Who would've thought that Vikings were so cool?" Phineas excitedly exclaimed. "Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today." Ferb glared at Phineas. "I mean tomorrow. Today mega-pizza," he quickly added. And of course, it was around this time that Phineas noticed something else. "Hey, where's Perry?"

* * *

_Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah, doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah..._

Over at the gift shop, Perry had already put on his fedora and had bought a shoebox. Tossing the shoes aside, Perry wrote an address on the lid, then put himself in the box and closed it up. On cue, a mailman passing by saw the addressed box and took it outside, where he promptly put it in the mailbox.

Down in his headquarters, the shoebox landed on the floor and out stepped Perry, who immediately ran for the TV monitor and waited for the mission briefing to start. After a few seconds, the image of Major Monogram appeared, standing in a tall, proud salute.

"You can't move, sir! Not if I'm ever gonna finish this!"

Major Monogram winced. "My foot's asleep, and I'm dying to itch my nose." He then noticed that he was live on the video-feed. "Ah, Agent P. Sorry about this. Carl needs me to pose for his art project," he explained. "Anyway, local museums have reported the theft of their old, dusty exhibits, and we've got positive confirmation that it's Dr. Doofenshmertz's antics."

"Actually, sir, we're only guessing," Carl piped in from off-screen

"Well, it's not like it's ever anybody else!" the Major snapped, briefly breaking out of his pose.

"I said don't move, sir!"

With a grunt, the Major resumed his salute. "Anyway, Agent P, get in, get cracking, and get out." Perry saluted back as he ran for the express elevator in the corner and shot out of view.

"Annnd... done!" The Major sighed in relief as Carl came up to him, holding a painting. "Well, sir, whaddya think?" The Major furrowed his prominent brow as he looked at the painting. What Carl painted was best described as a Technicolor Picasso. That is, very eye-burningly colorful and seriously off-model.

"You call this art?" he simply said.

"It's my artistic vision of you," Carl proudly replied.

"Well, I think you need to get your artistic vision checked."

The intern sighed. "You're too cruel, sir."

* * *

_"Loki, the Norse God of Mischief. He was feared by many a mortal for his sinister, often deadly pranks. It is said that his activities became so destructive, Odin banished Loki into a relic designed to contain his wicked powers,"_ the narrator droned. _"Interestingly, this story contains some parallels with another myth popular among native Africans, where shamans are said to have imbued a tribal mask with the power of a god. It may be possible that the sea-faring Vikings had shared their story with the Africans, or vice versa. Regardless, this is considered a shining example of early interaction between the Norsemen and the many cultures of the world."_

As the historical film rolled, despicting many accounts of Vikings and Norse Gods and other Norwegian tales of fascination, Candace sat in absolute boredom. Next to her, Lawrence had fallen asleep. And next to him...

"Excuse me... Phineas Flynn?" an usher quietly prodded Phineas as he sat there transfixed by the film. "Mr. Flynn?"

"Huh, what?"

"There's a call for you out in the lobby. Someone named Bald Jet is rambling something about exploding pizza dough."

The brothers looked at each other fearfully. "Tell him we'll be there immediately," Phineas ordered as he and Ferb left the theater.

* * *

"We came over as soon as we heard!" Phineas called out as he and Ferb barged into the backyard. "So, did the dough come out all right?"

"Yes. It came out all right and all left and all over us," Baljeet reported as he and Isabella dusted flour off of their clothes. "But it's ready." Behind him, a giant wad of pizza dough sat on an equally-large pizza tray.

"Wow, we're already ahead of schedule! That super-yeast must be more powerful than we thought," Phineas exclaimed, getting a thumbs-up from Ferb. "Alright, so long as we're here, you all can help us spread it out and then we'll-" Phineas paused to notice Buford sitting against the tree, groaning and holding his stomach. "Buford, you okay?"

"I had to eat my way out of the dough," Buford sickly admitted.

"Well, that can't be healthy." Phineas shook his head. "You take your time and recover, Buford. Everybody else... let's MOONBOUNCE!" Everybody cheered as they took off their shoes and began jumping on the dough like it was a trampoline, flipping and posing as they gained incredible air. Even Buford managed to get some bouncing in after his stomach-ache passed. Slowly, the dough was spread out to the edges of the pan. "This is AWE-SO-O-O-OME!" Phineas shouted amidst the antics. "Too bad Candace isn't here for this."

* * *

_Back at the museum..._

"Hey Ferb. Pass the popcorn, please?" Candace asked. After a few seconds without getting a response, Candace looked over her father's sleeping body. "I said- huh?" The popcorn tub was sitting in an empty seat, and her brothers were nowhere in sight.

Taking the popcorn tub, Candace saw a note hastily scribbled on the side. 'Candace... Emergengy situation with the mega-pizza! Had to run home! We'll save you a slice. PnF.'

"Those little... happy-go-lucky... TWERPS!" Candace roared. "They think they can just get away with leaving me in the clutch? Well, we'll see about that!" Drawing her cell phone, Candace hit speed-dial. "Mom, it's me! Listen, I-"

A flashlight shined in her face, interrupting her. "Hey, no cell phones in the theater," an usher snapped.

"Oops, sorry." Smiling innocently, Candace silently left the theater and stepped into the lobby before trying again. "Mom, it's me! Listen, I absolutely NEED you to come home right now!" Mom's response wasn't comforting. "No, no, no! I don't care what you're doing! I'm dragging you home for this no matter what!"

As Candace hung up, her attention drifted back to the same wooden mask from earlier. It almost seemed to be mocking her. "Shaddup!" she tersely snapped as she ran out of the museum.

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incor-por-a-tedddd..._

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was busy in his rooftop laboratory, innocently doing this and that, when a loud smashing sound drew his attention behind him. Shards of window glass surrounding him, Perry stood to face his nemesis.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus! How nice of you to... drop in. And by drop in, I mean _drop through this trap door!_" Doofenshmirtz grabbed a remote and pushed the button, resulting in... nothing. "What the-" Doofenshmirtz pressed the button a few more times to no effect. "That's funny. I could've sworn it was working when I was testing it and- Oh, that's right!" he proclaimed as he popped the battery cover open. "I removed the batteries so that they wouldn't drain overnight. Wait." He began rummaging through his lab coat, looking somewhat embarrassed as he realized that he had no batteries on his person. "Uh, you don't happen to have a spare pair of double-As, do you?" Perry reached under his hat and tossed Doofenshmirtz a two-pack. "Ah, thanks." After inserting the batteries and closing the cover, Doofenshmirtz pressed the button again, causing the floor to drop out from below Perry and send him falling into a small plexiglass tank that quickly closed shut over him.

Laughing madly, Doofenshmirtz walked down the stairwell to the floor below. "Personally, that's a very fitting place for you," he taunted. "Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'm stealing all the musty old artifacts from the museums?" Not surprisingly, Perry was silent. "You see, I was walking through the museum the other day and I was reading through all those articles of great and powerful heroes throughout history. I got to wondering 'Hey, why should the heroes get all the museum exhibits? Why not make a museum for history's greatest villains?'" Doofenshmirtz stopped to rub his chin in thought. "Or would the proper term be 'worst villains'?"

"Anyway, I went to the City Council to propose my idea, and there was so much bureaucratic red tape with zoning permits and construction fees and gift shop-to-exhibit ratios that I decided it would be simpler to steal away everything in the existing museums and replace it all with new villain exhibits dedicated to the greatest criminal mind of the Tri-State Area... ME!" He gestured towards the lab's outside balcony, where an assortment of old Inators and a well-designed statue of himself sat underneath a banner proclaiming _'HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ: A RETROSPECTIVE'_. "I'll admit the statue was expensive to have made, but the exorbitant ticket prices I'll be charging will make up for it." Doofenshmirtz looked over the statue in thought as a bird suddenly smacked into it. "You don't think it's too obstentatious, do you?" Perry just glared.

"Anyway, it's time for my favorite part... BEHOLD! The... uh..." Doofenshmirtz looked around, seeing that whatever it was he was going to show off, it wasn't there. "Just a sec." Doofenshmirtz ran back upstairs to the lab above. A second later, the sound of metal being shoved across a linoleum floor echoed from above, intermittently sparsed in with heavy grunting and panting. Then came the sound of a buzzer as the elevator's weight-limit alarm went off. Finally, the elevator doors opened, and Doofenshmirtz came through, shoving a large mechanical weapon across the floor towards the open windows.

Finally, the weapon was in place. "Y'know, in retrospect, I probably should've built this on the same floor as the cage," Doofenshmirtz admitted as he wiped his brow. "BEHOLD! The Museum-Exhibit-Vacuum-Inator! Not only does it allow me to vacuum up everything out of whatever building I point it at, but it also makes spring-cleaning a breeze. And by breeze, I mean gale-force winds!" Doofenshmirtz adjusted the weapon's aim. "Today, we're shooting for the Danville Museum of Norwegian History. Gonna give those Vikings some real wind in their sails!" With a cackle, he activated the device and launched a powerful vortex of wind towards the museum.

* * *

At the museum, the vortex smashed through the roof and began sucking up everything within range. From horned helmets to ornamental shields, it all got pulled into the vortex and was sucked up into the office building. People and museum staff fled every which way to avoid the onslaught... everybody except Lawrence, who still slept soundly and obliviously in the theater.

The mask exhibit was spared as the glass cases protected the old masks from the wind. However, one of the horned helmets lurched out of control and smashed into the case holding the odd wooden mask, and the both of them were drawn into the vortex.

* * *

As Doofenshmirtz laughed over his handiwork, Perry quietly took a small cutting laser from his hat and cut his way through the one place not covered by plexiglass: the floor that the trap was mounted on. Slipping into the floorboards, Perry scampered through and cut a second hole back out next to the Museum-Exhibit-Vacuum-Inator, after which he leapt out and landed in front of Doofenshmirtz.

"Move! You're throwing off my aim!" As Doofenshmirtz shooed Perry off the controls, he accidently jerked the controls too hard, causing the vortex to begin twisting uncontrollably. As it did, debris from its suction began flying into the building lab, and the both of them were suddenly finding themselves diving and dodging every which way to avoid getting hit by all the Viking-based objects.

As he dodged a horned helmet, Doofenshmirtz was suddenly hit in the face with a wooden mask. Reaching up to grab it, Doofenshmirtz found that, for some reason, it wasn't coming off. In fact, it seemed to be adhering to his face. "Curse you, _funny wooden **mask!**_" he growled in an odd, distorted version of his normal, screechy voice. Lightning began flashing for no apparent reason as Doofenshmirtz's body began to vanish into a small tornado, bouncing every which way and demolishing much of the room.

Finally, the mayhem stopped, and Doofenshmirtz stood over Perry with an insane glint in his eyes. The doctor was no longer wearing his usual lab coat, but a sinister purple-with-gold trim general's uniform. Even more frightening was Doofenshmirtz's face: it was now a deep green with HUGE teeth. Slicked-back hair and a new goatee completed the evil ensemble.

Throughout all this, Perry couldn't help but stare in awe. _**"What are you looking at?"**_ Doofenshmirtz demanded, his voice now deeper and with a hint of an otherworldly echo. **_"Is it something on my face?"_** Perry took a hand mirror from Doofenshmirtz's workbench and gave it to him.

The doctor looked at his face curiously. **_"Look at my head!"_** he exclaimed. **_"It's so... BIG! And green!"_** Perry glared at Doofenshmirtz. **_"No, I didn't mean to insult you, Perry the Platypus. I have nothing against green... just you!"_** Without warning, Doofenshmirtz pulled out a HUGE bazooka from behind his back, completely defying all logic as he did so. _**"What the- Where'd this come from?"**_ he questioned. **_"Did I just... pull this out from behind my back? That completely defies all logic!"_** Doofenshmirtz shrugged. "Eh, life gives you lemons."

Doofenshmirtz pulled the trigger, launching a large heat-seeking missile at Perry. With no place left to run, Perry pressed the trap-door remote and opened up the trap-door above his head. With a single leap, he escaped to the floor above, making the missile miss him and loop around back to its only remaining target: Dr. Doofenshmirtz. **_"Aw, phooey."_**

**BOOM!** The force of the blast splattered Doofenshmirtz all over the wall, taking the Museum-Exhibit-Vacuum-Inator out with it. However, while the device was wrecked beyond repair, Doofenshmirtz wobbled to his feet feeling... fine? **_"Hm, that's odd..."_** he observed. **_"Normally a blast like that puts me out for the rest of the day, but I didn't even feel it."_** Doofenshmirtz rubbed his exaggerated and hairy chin in thought. **_"Pulling weapons out of thin air... Immune to pain... Stylish goatee..."_**

On a hunch, Doofenshmirtz reached for his face and pulled off the green coating, restoring him to his normal self as he held the wooden mask. Putting two and two together, Doofenshmirtz smiled evilly. He held up the mask in triumph. "Funny wooden mask, you and I are going places! And by going places, I mean... well... places. To go to..." He put the mask back on with a sinister grin.

* * *

_Giddy-yup, giddy-yup, giddy-dee-doo-dee-daa..._

Back in the Flynn's backyard, Phineas and Ferb were still hard at work preparing the mega-pizza. "Good thing we still have a few giant paint-rollers left from when we were painting that desert," Phineas exclaimed as he navigated his helicopter across the dough, spreading pizza sauce with a giant paint-roller. Across from him, Ferb passed by with his own helicopter-slash-roller, flashing a thumbs-up.

Over by the tree, Isabella and several of her Fireside Girls were taking large chunks of mozzarella cheese and feeding them to wood-chippers, which shredded up the cheese and fired it onto the sauced-up pizza. Baljeet and Buford, meanwhile, had obtained a giant log of pepperoni and a lumberjack saw and were cutting slices off as they pulled back and forth. The slices were then tossed frisbee-style onto the cheese.

Soon, the pizza was fully topped and ready for cooking. "So far so good, guys," Phineas reported as he looked over the pizza. "Now, all that's left is the baking. Ferb, release the winches." Both helicopters each dropped a pair of hook-cables towards the ground. The Fireside Girls quickly attached the hooks to the ends of the pan, allowing Phineas and Ferb to airlift the pizza tray and its cargo into the waiting (and fully-repaired) oven.

As the boys landed their vehicles, Baljeet did some calculations on paper and shook his head. "You know, if we cook this pizza at 350 degrees per square inch," he explained, "it will take _eleven years_ to cook it completely."

Phineas smiled. "That's why we're gonna deep-fry." A loud truck-horn sounded from the front yard. "And there's the oil now!" he announced as a pair of truckers walked into the backyard lugging a large nozzle.

"Okay, here's your order of non-hydrogenated canola oil," the lead trucker announced. Upon seeing Phineas, he paused. "Aren't you a little... young to be playing with oil like this?"

"Yes. Yes I am," Phineas replied nonchalantly. "Trust me, you won't be the last guy to ask that."

"Eh, okay." Shrugging, the trucker attached the nozzle to a fuel-port on the side of the oven and began pumping the oil.

"Anyway, by using this oil, we'll be able to achieve hotter temperatures to reduce cooking time," Phineas explained. "It'll be done in less than two hours tops."

"Doesn't that sound a _little_ unhealthy?" Isabella pointed out. "Oily foods are bad for the complexion, you know."

"We're not actually cooking the pizza in the oil," came Phineas's reassured reply. "We're using it to fuel the nitro-burners in the oven."

"Oh." Isabella smiled. "Well, that's okay then."

The trucker removed the nozzle and closed the port. "Alright, folks. Let's cook this pie!" Phineas pulled a lever on the side, starting the oven with a loud roar of flames. The roar echoed throughout the entire Tri-State Area, making everybody jump in surprise... except Lawrence, who was still asleep at the museum.

* * *

The only other person who didn't jump at the sound was, not surprisingly, Candace, who was too busy rambling on her cell phone. "Whatever that was, it's my brothers for sure," she ranted as she marched to the gym. "Oooo, I'm gonna bust them but GOOD this time!"

_"Come on, Candace. By all means, you should be giving up by now,"_ her friend Stacy Hirano exclaimed over the cell phone. _"You know those boys are gonna get away with it somehow."_

"I don't care!" she swore. "I am the oldest sibling. Therefore, I should be the one who gets to do whatever I want and not get in trouble over it, not them. To me, it's the principle that matters."

_"Whatever."_ Stacy hung up, but Candace paid it no mind as she entered the gym and made an immediate beeline for the aerobics area, just in time to see her mother Linda gathering her things.

Candace ran over to Linda. "Mom, Mom, Mom! Phineas and Ferb have made this giant pizza oven in the backyard!" she panicked in her trademark franticism.

"Oh, for the love of-" Linda groaned, as she often did when her daughter got like this (which was daily). "Candace, can't this wait for another half-hour at least?"

"C'mon, Linda, the sauna's open," called out a black-haired woman with obvious motherly qualities. "We need to get moving if we're gonna get good spots."

"But MOOOOOM!"

Linda gritted her teeth, but forced a smile. "Fine, I'll see what the fuss is about... again." She turned to her friend. "Save my spot, okay, Charlene? This won't take long."

As Candace dragged her mother away by the wrist, Charlene shook her head. "I swear, that girl's worse than Vanessa. Speaking of whom..." Charlene took out her cell phone and began dialing.

* * *

_"Hello, you've reached Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Leave a message."_ **BEEP!** _"Hi, Heinz, it's Charlene. You know, your ex-wife? I'm just reminding you that it's your weekend with Vanessa, and I expect a nice, quiet two days. Let's not have a repeat of the noodle incident, 'kay? Bye."_

Doofenshmirtz was currently unavailable to respond, for he was upstairs tiptoeing throughout his laboratory wearing some kind of hunter's outfit and clutching a large blunderbuss. **_"Be vewy, vewy quiet,"_** he said with an evil grin. **_"I'm hunting platypuses... platypi... platypeople."_** Doofenshmirtz shrugged. **_"Well, you know what I mean."_**

Creeping around a corner, Doofenshmirtz suddenly opened fire. **_"Peekaboo!"_** he shouted as he looked over the smoldering spot he had shot. Much to his disappointment, he had only shot at a throw pillow, leaving feathers flying everywhere. Under the soft, downy cover, Perry suddenly leaped out and aimed his foot right for Doofenshmirtz's overgrown teeth... which suddenly launched out of his mouth and clamped onto Perry's foot.

**_"Hah! Phooled you!"_** Doofenshmirtz cackled as new teeth grew back into his mouth. **_"Oh, don't look so disgusted, Perry the Platypus. I brush my teeth after every meal."_** Perry simply scowled as he tried to pry the teeth off his foot. His prey helpless, Doofenshmirtz drew his blunderbuss and aimed it point-blank at Perry's head. It looked like the end of Agent P for sure.

As Doofenshmirtz put his finger on the trigger, Perry suddenly swung his foot at him, causing the denture-clamp to fly off his foot and chomp right into Doofenshmirtz's face. With him distracted, Perry dashed off for cover behind a console.

**_"Aw, hey! I call foul!"_** Removing the teeth, Doofenshmirtz pulled out a roast chicken... stuffed with dynamite. **_"Perry the Platypus! I've got a tasty treat for you! It's finger-lickin' good!"_** The masked madman stuffed the loaded bird into his blunderbuss and fired it at Perry's hiding spot, blowing it to pieces and leaving Perry holding his head for cover. **_"Don't go! What are you, chicken?"_** Doofenshmirtz continued to fire more of the potent poultry, blowing huge craters all over his lab. The poor platypus was utterly overpowered against Doofenshmirtz's onslaught.

As the smell of simmering chicken flowed through the lab, a thought crossed Perry's mind, and he suddenly dashed forward towards Doofenshmirtz. Though he tried to fend off the platypus with a few more chicken-shots, Doofenshmirtz was unable to dodge as Perry rammed him in the gut. The force of the blow caused them to fall back down the still-open trap door and land hard on the ground below.

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

"Is it ready yet?" Buford impatiently asked as he, Baljeet, and Isabella sat around the tree, watching the oven intently.

"Just a few more minutes, everybody," Phineas reassured as he and Ferb maintained watch on the oven. "When it's done, we will have set a new record for world's largest pizza pie."

"And then we can eat it, right?" Buford pressed again. "'Cause I really want the pie."

* * *

As he recovered from his fall, Doofenshmirtz felt his face... and realized that the mask was gone! "Aw, no! And just when I was starting to get the hang of it." He quickly sat up and began searching around the room."Where did it-"

A loud platypus growl made Doofenshmirtz turn his head, and that's when he saw exactly where the mask went... onto Perry's face. He didn't look much different from normal: the green of his face was only barely brighter than that of his fur, though the head and teeth still looked rather large. His fedora was a bright yellow, complete with a feather in its brim.

"HAH! Now you've got the big head! Yes you do, yes you do!" Doofenshmirtz taunted. Not a good idea, for Perry suddenly leapt up and bit Doofenshmirtz in his arm. "OUCH! That was uncalled for!" he yelled as he threw Perry off. "Seriously, Perry the Platypus, where are your manners?"

Perry pulled out a baseball bat from behind his back and swung it hard, knocking Doofenshmirtz back down to the floor. Sputtering angrily, the mad doctor staggered to his feet. "Oh, now you're fighting dirty? Well, it's on now!" he swore as he drew a handgun-like device from his coat and pulled the trigger, firing... nothing. "Aw, great! I left the batteries in too long!"

Perry growled loudly, making the lab slightly vibrate from the echo as he pounced on Doofenshmirtz and began beating him up mercilessly. "Ow, stop that! Get off! Get off!" But Perry continued his relentless pounding, kicking up obscuring amounts of dust.

"Gimme that!" Doofenshmirtz suddenly yanked the mask off Perry and put it back on, allowing him to turn the tables on his nemesis as the brawl continued. After a few seconds, Perry took the mask back, and so this exchange went on for a while. One second, the mask was on Doofenshmirtz as he swung an anvil at Perry, the next it was on Perry as he threw bear traps at Doofenshmirtz. Back and forth the mask went between the two wearers, and the weapons got more and more ridiculous. Lobsters, lawn chairs, cups of really hot coffee, and even giant floating baby heads!

All of a sudden, the mask flew out of the dust cloud, causing Doofenshmirtz and Perry to pause right where they stood (Perry, anyway, for he was pinning Doofenshmirtz to the floor) as the relic just sat there, unmoving. The duo suddenly leapt forward in a mad grab for the mask, clamboring and clawing each other for every inch of ground. They both eventually managed to grab the mask simultaneously, and the inevitable tug-of-war began. "My mask! MINE!" Doofenshmirtz shouted amidst his pulling. Perry simply growled in defiance as he pulled back with every ounce of strength he had.

As Doofenshmirtz slowly stepped backwards, he failed to notice the wiring running through the lab, and he predictably tripped and fell over on his behind. In doing so, he lost his grip on the mask, causing Perry to tumble back and smack into the wall, losing the mask as well and causing it to fly out an open window. Perry and Doofenshmirtz could only watch as the mask vanished out of sight.

* * *

As the mask spun over Danville, it caught a sudden updraft of wind and continued its flight, spinning all the way back to the Danville Museum of Norwegian History. It fell through the hole made by Doofenshmirtz earlier, rebounded off some cases, and ricocheted into the theater, where it hit the still-sleeping Lawrence in the back of his head before flipping up and into his lap.

Lawrence began to stir. "Huh? What?" Waking up, he noticed that everybody had already left the theater. "Guess Candace took the boys home," he simply said. Lawrence then looked down. "Well, what's this?" he exclaimed as he saw the mask in his lap. "How nice. The ushers gave out souveniers."

* * *

Sensing the awkward silence, Doofenshmirtz turned to Perry and forced a smile. "I... uh... I don't suppose we can call this one a draw, do you?" Perry responded in the only way he knew of: he tail-slapped Doofenshmirtz with enough force to send him flying out onto the balcony.

"Guess not. Curse you, Perry the Platypuuuusssssss!" he managed to yell out before he crashed into his giant self-statue, which toppled over and crushed all the Inators save for one: his plant-covered Shrink-Inator, which immediately warmed up for a shot. Doofenshmirtz shook his head in exasperation. "I really should start unplugging these things when I'm not using them," he said with a pained sigh as the antiquitated device fired.

* * *

By the act of that funny lady called Fate, the shrink-blast struck Phineas and Ferb's finished mega-pizza, oven and all, just as the timer dinged. "Well, it's ready," Phineas proclaimed as he looked towards the no-longer-giant oven and raised an eyebrow. "Hm, guess we won't need the helicopters anymore," he said with a shrug. "Ferb, grab some oven mitts."

As the boys took out the pizza, Candace shoved Linda into the backyard. "See, Mom, I told you they had a giant pizza cooking!" she announced in triumph.

Linda gasped. "I... see it."

_YES! YES!_ Whooping in victory, Candace turned around towards the backyard to see her results... and felt her mood quickly vanish when she saw that the pizza was now a more conventional-sized pie.

Linda took a cheesy slice and bit into it. "Mmmm... this is delicious!" she moaned. "You boys really need to share the recipe. The taste is simply _enormous_." Everybody nodded as they grabbed a slice and eagerly ate it.

Defeated once more, Candace bowed her head. "And Ferb says..."

"Apparently, our recipe didn't take shrinkage into account."

"Annnnd..."

Perry waddled into view. "Oh, there you are, Perry," Phineas replied. A low growl was Perry's simple greeting.

"Well, my day's done," Candace mumbled. "If anybody needs me, I'll be in my room complaining about the general unfairness of life." Pausing only to take a slice of pizza for herself and pull off the cheese, Candace started the slow trudge upstairs.

As she moped away, her father came into the kitchen. "Ah, good, you all made it home," he exclaimed. "Here, Candace." Lawrence held out a gift bag filled with assorted knick-knacks. "I brought you some souveniers."

"Thanks," she groaned as she took the bag without even looking up. She had enough humiliation for one day. As she lazily pawed through the cheap-and-tacky items, her hand came across the feeling of wood. Candace pulled it out to see the mask. "Heh... cute, Dad," she unemotionally grunted as she entered her room and slammed the door shut.

_**END OF PART 1**_


	2. Chapter 2

And now for Part 2, where things continue to happen.

The Mask (c) Dark Horse Comics  
Phineas and Ferb (c) Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh  
This story (c) ME!

* * *

**_Part 2 - The Next Day_**

_Doofenshmertz Evil Incor-por-a-tedddd... closed for repairs..._

"Hey, I'm not paying you guys to stand around singing!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz snapped to his quartet of Evil Jingle Singers.

_Since when do you ever payyyy uuuuus?_

"I..." Doofenshmirtz paused, then shook his head. "Never mind. Just get back to work." As the singers walked off, Doofenshmirtz left to another corner of the lab, where a tall brunette teenager in black was busy rewiring some circuits. "Thanks for coming over, Vanessa," he replied. "After all that craziness from yesterday, the lab really needs a fix-up."

"Oh, it's no problem," Vanessa sarcastically grumbled. "I'm honored to waste my Saturday cleaning up after your latest mess."

"So long as it's your weekend to visit, you might as well make yourself useful."

Vanessa resisted the urge to smack her father and simply went back to the circuitry work. "There's gonna be some harsh words at the next alimony hearing, that's for sure," she muttered, but Doofenshmirtz wasn't listening.

"NORM, be careful with those!" Doofenshmirtz panicked as his sharp-dressed giant robot man blindly pushed the wrecked Inators across the floor via wheelbarrel. "If you trip, you'll crush them."

"I can't help being clumsy for my weight."

"NORM, you weigh half a metric ton," Doofenshmirtz pointed out as he looked in the wheelbarrel and pulled out an old device. "Still, it'd be a shame to toss out these old Inators. Just thinking of all the memories I've had with them makes me nostalgic."

"Even though most of those memories involve them blowing up on you," NORM remarked.

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Doofenshmirtz scowled, but lightened up as he looked through the old Inators. "Anyway, I'm pretty sure I can still use some of these. In fact, with some tweaking and a bit of reconstruction..." Inspiration suddenly gleamed in his eyes. "Vanessa, I know what we're gonna do today!"

"We?" Vanessa snorted. "I don't think so."

"Suit yourself." Doofenshmirtz turned to NORM. "NORM, you game? I could use some help lifting."

"Of course, sir." NORM saluted. "Lifting is my middle name, you know."

"Technically, your full name is Neighborly Oversized Robotic Man-inator."

"I didn't know that," chimed in Vanessa.

* * *

Down in the backyard, the boys were already hard at work when Isabella arrived. "Hey, boys. Wha'cha doin'?"

"After our museum trip yesterday, we decided that we're gonna be modern-day Vikings today," Phineas explained. "We're making a boat, costumes, and even masks." He looked over to a craft table, where Baljeet and Buford were working with metal masks. "How're you doing over there, guys?"

"I have completed my mask," Baljeet announced as he put on a fancy mask depicting a large red A. "In the name of the Norwegian God of Grade-Point-Averages, I, Baljeet of Danville, will plunder and pillage."

"Mine's done." Buford put on his own mask, which bore resemblance to... himself. "Hey, whaddya expect?" he defended. "In my mind, I'm a regular Adonis."

Isabella smiled. "Can I be a Viking too?"

"Sure. Grab a mask and join in." Isabella ran over to the craft table. Leaving her for the time being, Phineas checked in on Ferb. "Is she ready to go?" Ferb flashed a thumbs-up as he twisted the final bolt on the propulsion system attached to the back of a metal Viking boat on wheels, complete with oars, rudder, and mast. "Great! By rowing these oars, we can generate energy to make the engine push us forward, thus being authentic and environmentally-friendly at the same time. The rudder will control direction, the mast and sail will allow us to catch serious wind-propulsion, and the platypus head on the hull is for aesthetic design. By the way, thanks for modeling for us, Perry." Perry growled in response as he just laid there lazily on top of the hull.

"Oh, Phineas," Isabella cooed. "What do you think of my mask?" She put on her completed mask, which was a clear effigy of Phineas's face. Seeing that he wasn't noticing, Isabella took it off and scowled. "You try so hard and for what?" she griped.

* * *

While all this was going on, Candace glared at them angrily from her bedroom window. In her hand was her cell phone, which shook violently from her trembling grip. Behind her at the foot of her bed sat her stuffed dolls Mr. Miggins and Ducky Momo.

"I should call her," Candace spoke in a low voice to nobody in particular. "I should be calling her at this very moment, telling her to come and look. So why haven't I?" She turned to face her dolls. "We know it'll all vanish by the time Mom gets here, but that's besides the point."

"Phineas and Ferb are the type of person I can never be. They're smart, they're creative. They have the love and adoration of virtually everybody in the Tri-State Area. I have nothing." Candace flopped down on her bed. "I can't build rollercoasters and miniature golf courses to impress people, and my looks are too plain and ordinary to garner attention. I suppose the truth is... I'm jealous of them," she realized. "Jealous of their talent, their friends... their ability to do whatever they want, without hesitation or fear. I can't climb to their level, so I try to tear them down to mine, and I can't even do that."

"I just want to be like them, always so confident and capable, but..." Seeing that she wasn't getting a response, Candace sat up and groaned. "But who am I kidding? Compared to them, I'm just that crazy third kid in the family," she said as she took the mask from the souvenier bag and looked at it sadly. "At this rate, I might as well just hide my face. No one will miss it, right?"

Sobbing, she put the mask on, which quickly adhered to her face. "What the-?" Candace suddenly felt her body twisting and spinning in every direction, knocking over her stuffed friends and upheaving much of her belongings. Soon, the effects ended and the new Candace stood proudly in her room. Her old clothes were gone, and in its place stood a sparkling red cocktail dress that left little to the imagination. Her red hair had grown outward and poofier, giving her an almost supermodel-level aura. As always, her face was a deep green, and a gleaming smile revealed impossibly-large teeth.

_**"LOOK OUT, TRI-STATE AREA!"**_ Candace shouted in a loud, more echoey variation of her voice. _**"Live on stage for one night only, it's the amazing, the incredible, the one and only CANDACE FLYNN! Eat your heart out, Mocha Dakota!"**_ Candace struck a sexy pose. _**"But enough about me. Let's talk about MEEEEE!"**_

Candace was just about to run out of the room when she stopped in her tracks. _**"Whoa, hey, what's the rush?"**_ she realized. _**"Something's not kosher here, and I'm not talking about the pepperoni from last night's pizza."**_ Dashing over to a mirror, Candace took in the sight of her new self. _**"Hmmm... Green face... stylish wardrobe."**_ She clicked her teeth together. _**"Proud overbite. My goodness, I'm a FREAK! MOMMMMM! Phineas and Ferb have done something to make me a freak!"**_ she shouted out of habit, though Mom currently wasn't home to hear it. _**"Ooooo, when I get through with them, they are sooooo BUSTED!"**_ To emphasize, Candace drew a large mallet from behind her back, emblazoned with the word "BUST" on its side.

_**"Where'd this come from?"**_ she exclaimed as she noticed what she just did. _**"Seriously, this completely defies all logic."**_ Out of curiosity, Candace put the mallet down the chest of her dress, noticing her much more ample bosom as it instantly vanished into her cleavage without a trace. She then reached in and drew the mallet again. Sure enough, it came out at will and without discomfort. Laughing like a giddy child, Candace then proceeded to pull out other objects: a bike horn, a bear trap, an old "Lindana" record, and various framed portraits of her teenage crush Jeremy Johnson. _**"It's like I'm a bottomless pocket!"**_ she exclaimed.

As she continued to pull more and more stuff out of her dress, Candace suddenly noticed her messy room and tsked. Spinning in place, Candace's cocktail dress vanished, and in its place she wore a sexy French Maid's outfit. _**"My, my, my. Zis place is such ze sty, non?"**_ she cooed. _**"Let's tidy up a teensy bit."**_ Candace instantly began spinning again, flying through her room like a tornado as the mess was cleaned up and reordered in seconds. As she stopped, Candace smiled at her work and took a big smell of the air. _**"Ahhh... Lemony fresh."**_

The high of the experience over, Candace sat down on her bed to think. _**"This is incredible,"**_ she exclaimed, _**"but how am I doing this? Am I dreaming?"**_ A quick glance around the room for talking zebras told her that she was, in fact, NOT dreaming. Candace then thought back to a few minutes ago. On a hunch, Candace grabbed at her face and tried to peel it off. With a shudder, she felt the magic fade away as the green mask's grip weakened and eventually broke.

Gasping, Candace slowly wobbled to her feet and felt her face. Taking a pocket-mirror to check, she grinned to see that her face and hair were back to their normal, plain-jane diameters. A glance along her body revealed that her outfit had vanished back into her old clothes. And in her hand was the mask, in all its wooden glory.

"So that's what's going on," she replied as she held up the mask and looked it over. "Well, if you came from the museum, then it's obvious I can't bust the boys on this." A thought then crossed Candace's mind. "On the other hand... with this mask, I can bust those brothers of mine so fast that they won't even know what hit them."

Grinning eagerly, Candace put the mask back on, instantly restoring her looks and powers. _**"And on the OTHER other hand,"**_ she added with an evil grin, _**"there's just so much more I can do in the meantime."**_ With a mighty laugh that sounded borderline psychotic, Candace flew down the stairs and out of the house in a blur.

* * *

Oblivious to his sister's unconventional exit, Phineas stood over his friends in the backyard. "So, are we ready for adventure?" he shouted to the would-be Vikings. They were all dressed up in incredibly-detailed Norwegian costumes, complete with badly-knitted fake beards and metallic masks.

Baljeet raised his hand. "Excuse me, my captain, but what are we adventuring for?"

"For whatever the winds of destiny may lead us to. Baljeet, hoist the sails. Buford, man the rudder." The boys nodded as they performed their tasks. At once, the sail unfurled and the rudder was grabbed. "Firesiders, to the oars." Isabella and her Fireside Girls saluted as they began rowing, generating the force to start the engine and move the boat. "Sound the trumpets! We're casting off!" A loud blast from Ferb's goat-horn signaled their departure. "We're off, me men and ladies... to adventure! May Valhalla bestow good fortune on us!"

"I know this is kinda cliché," Buford spoke up as he looked back towards the backyard, "but hey, where's Perry?"

* * *

_Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah, doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah..._

Down below in his HQ, Perry had just arrived and was already in his seat for the briefing. "Okay, just press the button and-" A field of static filled the monitor, eventually clearing to reveal Major Monogram... but upside down. "That's not it. Oh, good morning, Agent P," he greeted. "Carl had to meet with his art teacher, so I'm trying to figure out how this device works." The Major rubbed his chin. "Maybe if I press this one-" The screen distorted and the Major's image reappeared... but now on its side. "I guess not."

The Major sighed. "You can at least hear me, right?" Perry nodded. "Anyway, Doofenshmertz is already on the rebound from yesterday. It would appear that he's currently on a rampage throughout the Tri-State Area. There doesn't seem to be any method to this madness, and we need you to stop him at once. Good luck, Agent P."

As Perry bounded away, Carl arrived in the Major's office. "Guess what, sir!" he announced. "I got my grade back for my art project!" Carl held up the Technicolor Picasso of the Major, which had a red A+ taped to it. "And you said my artistic vision needed examination," he proudly taunted.

The Major shook his head and facepalmed. "I swear, the art world gets less and less coherent every generation."

* * *

Elsewhere, the green-faced Candace was skipping down the street, humming a silly little song. A few pedestrians (mainly the men) took notice at the strange girl, but simply shrugged and went on their merry way. In this town, nothing surprised them anymore.

_**"Bow-chicka-bow-wow, that's what my mama told me. Mow-mow-mow, and my heart starts pumpin'... Nahhh, I'm sick of that song."**_ Pausing to think, Candace smiled and started singing again. _**"Ohhh, I gotcha with my winnin' smile, I'm a livin' lesson in flair and style. You just can't help but stare at my- Oh, hey, Stacy! STACY!"**_

The shout was unmistakable to Stacy Hirano as she looked up to see her friend rush over towards her... or at least, what sounded like her. "C-Candace? Is that you?" she asked in surprise.

_**"StacyStacyStacyit'sincredibleyouwon'tbelievewhathappenedtome!"**_

"I'll say. You look... different," Stacy replied. "Do you know that your face is green?"

_**"Yes. Yes it is. Anyway, I put on this weird mask and now I look beautiful and I can do all this cool stuff! Like this!"**_ Candace spun in place, shifting her outfit to a beautiful ballroom gown. Another spin, and she wore a cute Japanese schoolgirl uniform. With one more spin, Candace changed her appearence to look like a perfect copy of Stacy.

"That's... pretty cool," Stacy replied with a small smile.

_**"Are you kidding? It's AWE-SO-O-O-O-O-OME!"**_ Candace exclaimed. _**"Oh, and you know those shoes you always wanted?"**_ Stacy opened her mouth to speak, but was unable to say anything as Candace pulled a pair of expensive-looking high-heels from her cleavage. _**"TA-DA! One authentic copy of a genuine designer fake, for my best friend."**_

Stacy gazed at the shoes with slight awe. "Uh, thanks," she managed to squeak out. She suddenly grabbed the hem of Candace's dress and looked down the ample bosom. "Where'd you pull them from, though?"

_**"Who knows? Anyway, I figured that since we were here, you and I could paint the town green."**_ Candace put her arm across Stacy's shoulders. _**"Whaadya say, buddy, oh pal, oh bestest-best friend of mine?"**_

"Well... okay."

_**"GREAT! Try to keep up now!"**_ Candace skipped away down the sidewalk, leaving Stacy confused and slightly nervous as to her best friend's newfound powers. With an uneasy sigh, Stacy began to jog after her.

* * *

As Perry quietly opened the door leading into Doofenshmirtz's lab, he noticed that it was dark and devoid of movement. In fact, the only sign of activity in the lab was a single telephone sitting on a coffee table... and it was ringing. Perry slowly approached the table and picked up the phone to hear an automated message.

_"Hello, you've reached... Doofenshmertz Evil Incor-por-a-tedddd... If you're an evil investor, press 1. If you're calling to complain about the theft of your morning newspapers, press 2. And if you're a platypus secret agent sent here to capture Dr. Doofenshmirtz, please stay on the line."_ A second later, a metal cage sprung out from the ground, trapping Perry right where he stood.

The sound of laughter filled the room. "Oops! Sorry, Perry the Platypus, but I'm afraid your call cannot be completed as dialed!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz arrived and stood before Perry, with Vanessa and NORM flanking him. "Nice performance there, NORM."

"Thank you, sir," NORM replied. "I was an automated phone caller in a past life, you know."

"I didn't know that," Vanessa answered back.

Gesturing for quiet, Doofenshmirtz turned back to Perry. "Anyway, after our fight yesterday, Vanessa, NORM, and I were busy cleaning up around the lab. Seeing the old Inators from my failed museum exhibit plan, I figured it'd be fun to use them for old-time's sake, but I couldn't decide on which one to pick. So out of indecisiveness, I went and combined them into one all-new handy weapon." Doofenshmirtz pressed a remote, causing a large laser-like object on a wheeled base to rise out of the floor. "BEHOLD! The Random-inator!" Perry looked at Doofenshmirtz expectantly. "What?" he replied. "That's it! That's the whole backstory. Not everything I create has to have a deep, meaningful origin behind it, you know."

Vanessa elbowed her father discretely. "Oh, right. With this Random-inator, there's no telling what it'll do next. It may shrink or enlarge or disinti-vaporate or make people ugly or take things apart or..." Doofenshmirtz was interrupted by NORM tapping his shoulder. "I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that it randomly has the effect of other Inators. Because if I don't know what it'll do next, then neither will you! Allow me to demonstrate." Doofenshmirtz rolled the weapon over to an open window and pointed outside. "See that billboard over there? The one that always ruins my view of the skyline? Well, it's about to get randomized... inated!"

* * *

_Down below the skyline..._

Candace continued on her merry way, simply enjoying herself as everybody she passed looked towards her in awe. Stacy merely strolled behind her, trying not to draw too much attention to herself.

As they went down the street, a blast of energy fired out over her and struck a rooftop billboard in its support legs. With no leg to stand on, the billboard fell forward and landed flat on the sidewalk... and on Candace! Stacy let out a shriek as her best friend vanished beneath the very heavy object.

* * *

"HAH! Take that, lousy billboard!" Doofenshmirtz shouted with a victorious cackle. "Ruin my view of the skyline, will you? Well, who's got the juice now?"

"Wow, how wonderfully juvenile of you," Vanessa sarcastically quipped. "Seriously, you're wasting Mom's alimony checks on this?"

"Just wait 'til your mother hears about this," NORM added, trying to sound symphathetic. "Shall I call her?"

"Don't bother. It'll just be a waste of time, anyway."

* * *

After a few seconds, a hand slowly reached out, followed by Candace as she crawled out from beneath the billboard and wobbled into an alleyway. "What the heck just happened?" Stacy exclaimed as she looked down at Candace. She looked flat as a piece of bacon, but was otherwise alive and unharmed. "Shouldn't that have... hurt you?"

Pulling an air-pump from behind her, Candace stuck the tube in her mouth and began pumping. After a few seconds, she literally popped back to normal, leaving her to ponder this new development. On a hunch, Candace drew a large cinderblock from out of nowhere and threw it up into the air, where it proceeded to land on her head with a painful CRUNCH!

"Ohmygod, CANDACE!" Stacy shrieked.

_**"S'okay!"**_ Candace replied through her flattened skull. _**"Didn't feel a thing."**_ Laughing, Candace grabbed her hair and pulled her head back up to normal.

"You could've been killed!"

_**"But I wasn't, now was I?"**_ Candace calmly reassured. _**"This is even better than I thought! I can do and be and create anything I want, and I can't even be hurt! Not even my brothers can top this!"**_

"Speaking of whom, why aren't you trying to, y'know, bust them?" Stacy pointed out. "Hasn't that been, like, your life's dream since summer began?"

_**"Aw, there's plenty of time for that. Right now, this day is my burrito, and I'm hungry."**_ Taking an electric guitar from her bottomless cleavage-pocket and shifting to a rock-star's costume, Candace began to sing...

_**All summer long, my brothers made me look dumb and I've been in constant depression.  
But now with this mask, my chance has finally come to realize my greatest intentions!  
**_**_Like maybe..._**

**_Building a hot-rod, fighting a robot, or skydiving off a skyscraper._**  
**_Pretend I'm a creature that doesn't exist, and fool people in the newspaper._**  
**_Become a movie star, wrestle alligators, shower in Niagara Falls!_**  
**_Jump the Danville Gorge, win an eat-a-thon, or buy out all the world's malls!_**

**_As you can see, there's no limit in sight as all my greatest dreams come true._**  
**_That's why I'm singin' there's nothing in the world that Candace Flynn can't do!_**  
**_So stick around 'cause there's nothing in the world that Candace Flynn can't doooooo!_**

**_"And that's just for starters..."_**

As Candace's solo ended, she and Stacy noticed that a small crowd had gathered around them. _**"What're you all looking at?"**_ Candace shouted, making everybody run in panic. _**"Can't a green-faced girl rock out in privacy?"**_

Watching the crowd disperse, Candace tossed the guitar aside and strode away. Stacy sighed and turned to the crowd. "Sorry about my friend," she said before following Candace.

* * *

Two blocks over, Stacy caught up to Candace, who was marching down the street. As she approached, Stacy could hear Candace muttering a blue streak of insults. _**"Lousy peeping toms, like they haven't seen a green-faced girl before,"**_ she growled under her breath.

"I'm gonna be the first to say that this isn't like you, Candace," Stacy pointed out. "I mean, it's like you're... well... some kind of cartoon character, and not the ha-ha kind, either."

_**"Don't be ridiculous,"**_ Candace replied. _**"Since when has my life ever seemed like a cartoon?"**_

_You have no idea,_ was all Stacy could think of in response.

As she turned onto the next block, Candace saw something that made her already-hyperactive brain go nuts. _**"HELLOOOOOOOO, Jeremy!"**_ she howled as she saw her teenage crush, so loudly that her jaw stretched down to her bosom. Taking hairspray and lipstick from god-knows-where and fixing her face, Candace dashed towards him with a loud howl that could put wolves to shame and glomped onto him with the force of a charging rhinocerous.

_**"Oh, Jeremy, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry-werry, my manly Jeremy!"**_ she cooed, her arms wrapped seductively around Jeremy's neck.

"Can... dace?" Jeremy asked awkwardly. "Is that you?"

_**"Lemme check."**_ Reaching into her dress, Candace pulled out a comically-large name tag and looked at it. _**"Ecadnac,"**_ she read aloud, not noticing that she was reading it upside-down. _**"Eh, close enough. It's ME, my wittle Jerry-werry-bo-berry!"**_

"That's... cool..." Jeremy forced a grin. "Do you know that your face is green?"

_**"Yes. Yes it is,"**_ she replied matter-of-factly. _**"Enough about me, Jer. Let's talk about US!"**_

"I... I'd love to, really..." The teen nervously stammered. "But, um... I'm in a hurry, so..."

Candace struck a sexy pose, putting her arm behind her head and giving Jeremy a very good view of her enhanced 'assets'. _**"Tell me the truth. Do you like what you see?"**_ she asked. _**"Why don'cha take a picture?"**_ Candace pulled a self-photo from her bosom and handed it to Jeremy. _**"Better yet..."**_ She suddenly pulled a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers, followed by an entire fruit basket.

Jeremy was barely able to look over all the junk piled into his arms. "Buh... How'd you-?"

_**"I've got deep pockets... some in places you wouldn't expect,"**_ she replied. _**"Now c'mere and give momma a kiss!"**_ Candace puckered her lips to impossibly-large size and began making smooching noises. Wincing, Jeremy pushed her away and ran off... only to immediately bump into her again as she stepped out of an alley. _**"Be honest... Is it the teeth?"**_ Candace clicked her freakishly-large teeth together. _**"You wanna know how I got these teeth? Well, I put on a magic mask and became super-powered. Happy? Now shaddup and kiss me!"**_

Candace lunged forward again, her lips smacking ceaselessly. This time, Jeremy threw the fruit basket in her face, making her kiss cantalope as he ran off again. What followed was a madcap dash through the streets as Jeremy ran for his life, with Candace in hot pursuit. _**"Come to Candy, my hunky-ankled Hercules!"**_ she cried. _**"I'm only showing my unDYING devotion!"**_

* * *

While all this was going on, Vanessa was looking over the balcony outside Doofenshmirtz's lab, a bored expression on her face. She then noticed some odd movement down on the streets below. Curious, Vanessa grabbed some binoculars to get a closer look. "Hey Dad, isn't that your music tutor down there?" she called out.

"Vanessa, honey, not now." Doofenshmirtz shooed her away as he aimed the Random-Inator towards the caged Perry and armed it for a shot. "Daddy's busy with his nemesis."

"Seriously, Dad. You really should see this," she continued. "He's down on the street and he's... well... it looks like some crazy lady's trying to kiss him."

"So?"

"Her face looks green for some reason."

_Green?_ Now intrigued, Doofenshmirtz marched out onto the balcony and took the binoculars. His heart nearly stopped when he saw Candace and Jeremy. "WHOA! There it is!"

"There what is?"

"Remember the funny wooden mask I was talking about? Well, that's it right there." He beamed, pointing to Candace. "I was wondering where it went after yesterday."

Vanessa looked skeptical. "So... what the big deal about this mask?"

"Long story, but with it, I'll finally be able to RULE THE TRI-STATE AREA!" Vanessa had to hold her ears over Doofenshmirtz's shouting. "NORM, go down there and get that mask back for me!" NORM nodded as he lumbered to the special freight elevator reserved for him. "Vanessa, be a dear and go with him, please? Let me know when he gets the mask."

"For the record, I'm only doing this because I've got nothing better to do." Vanessa followed NORM to the elevator and left with him.

Doofenshmirtz marched back into the lab. "And with that being handled, it's back to dealing with-" His eyes nearly bugged out when he saw Perry sitting on the floor, no longer held in his cage. "Perry the Platypus? How did you get out of the cage?" Perry held up a head of broccoli. "Oh, the Random-Inator turned the cage into broccoli?" He paused to think. "In retrospect, I probably should've accounted for that possibility."

The loud sounds of a platypus beatdown followed, followed by an explosion and a shout of "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" Vanessa could hear it all from over 38 floors below.

* * *

Back with Jeremy, he was still trying to escape Candace's inescapable pursuit. Not watching where he was going, he tripped on a curb and fell to the sidewalk. He tried to move his legs, but found that he couldn't. Candace had inexplicibly stretched her entire torso around Jeremy like a serpent coiling its prey. _**"C'mon, Jer-jer! Don'cha want a taste of your favorite Candy Twist?"**_

Seeing that there was no escape, Jeremy tried to smile. "Look, Candace, I like you," he spoke, "but not when you're acting all clingy like this. And, well..."

_**"You don't want me?"**_ Candace whimpered as if she was about to cry, then suddenly pinned Jeremy by the shoulders and glared dangerously at him. "Why would you not want me?" she demanded. _**"I'm the most perfect woman you'll EVER know. Why, I can be anything you want, any girl you could dream of. There's just so much I can do for you... do with you..."**_ Candace pressed her bosom close towards him, giving him a very uncomfortable feeling. _**"do TO you..."**_

Jeremy struggled helplessly against his captor's binding body. "Come on, cut it out!" he cried, but to no avail as Candace prepared to administer a kiss. "Candace, I mean it! Stop!" With a final desperate shout, Jeremy bellowed "CANDACE! Why are you acting like this?"

Candace suddenly stopped, as if something was clicking in her head. "I... Well, I... uh..." she quietly whimpered. For a moment, she looked remorseful, but it quickly faded. _**"Y'know what? Forget it! You're no fun when you're petrified in fear."**_ Scowling, Candace released her death-grip on Jeremy. _**"Green-Face is out! PEACE!"**_ she shouted loudly, knocking Jeremy down from the force of her voice as she turned and marched away in a huff.

"Whew... tough grip she's got," Jeremy said as he gasped for relief, "but what a woman!" He secretly let a smile cross his lips.

* * *

_**"What's his problem?"**_ Candace growled in sheer anger. _**"I'm everything he would want in a girl and more, and yet he acts like I'm some kind of ogre or something!"**_

"Well, you did get a little too... scary back there," Stacy pointed out. "Y'know, you could be a little more responsible with these powers. Maybe you can use it to help people in need. Rescue a cat, stop a fire, maybe even... I dunno... find an evil scientist to beat up on. Besides..." She nudged Candace with a sly smile, "boys love powerful, _responsible_ women."

Candace rubbed her chin. _**"I suppose I could,"**_ she said with a smile, _**"OR we could go out to the mall and get full-on makeovers! My treat!"**_

"Well, I-eeeeee!" Stacy was cut off as Candace grabbed her wrist and sped away down the street. "Where are we going?"

_**"To get a car, of course! Because it's always important to arrive in style."**_

* * *

Meanwhile, Phineas and Ferb's Viking crew were already prowling the streets of Danville, en route to their first epic journey. "Welcome to Slushy-Burger. How may I help you?"

"By Odin's earlobes, we've come to feast in preparation for our epic journey into destiny." Phineas declared.

The drive-thru clerk looked skeptical. "Aren't you kids a little young to be Vikings?" she asked.

"Yes. Yes we are."

"Eh, okay." The clerk shrugged. "So, what can I get'cha?"

"Let's see..." Phineas turned to his crew. "Does anybody want anything?"

Isabella raised her hand. "I'll have an iced tea and a hummus tortilla wrap."

"Curry burger, no cheese," Baljeet added.

"Ask her if they've got any Spam," called out Buford.

"Ferb, you want something?" Ferb opened his mouth to speak, but didn't even get a syllable out when Phineas cut in. "You heard the man. One ginger ale and a jar of peanut butter."

"Comin' up." The clerk dashed off. Exactly five seconds later, she returned with bags of food. "That'll be $18.76."

Phineas reached into his pocket and drew some money. "Can you break a hundred?"

"Sorry, sir. Store policy won't let us take anything bigger than a twenty."

Everybody began reaching into their pockets for money, but shook their heads in defeat... except one. Thus, they glared at that one person. "I have a twenty," Baljeet moped.

Buford pounded his fists together. "Holdin' out on us, huh?" he threatened. "Well, how's about I introduce your face to the rudder?"

"If I give you half my fries, will you refrain from doing so?"

Buford rubbed his chin in deep thought, then shrugged. "Okay, nerd, you live... for now." Baljeet nodded as he handed the twenty to the clerk and took the food. Soon, everybody had gotten their meals and were digging in.

"Eat well, crew! You've earned it." Phineas complimented. "Our journey has yet to truly begin."

"Please move forward," the clerk ordered.

"Heh... sorry." The crew rowed their ship out of the drive-thru line and back out onto the street... only to be cut off by an incredibly souped-up hot-rod. "Whoa, what was that?" Phineas shouted in surprise.

"They'll give anybody a license these days," Ferb calmly answered.

* * *

Over at the mall's parking lot, the hot-rod instantly screeched to a stop. _**"And Mom says I'm a train wreck when I'm behind the wheel!"**_ Candace whooped as she stepped out, wearing a tight racing suit that only accentuated her incredible curves. Stacy then stepped out herself, wearing a similiar outfit that Candace's powers "provided". _**"Oops, almost forgot!"**_ Pulling a tiny remote out, Candace lightly depressed the trigger. The car chirped, then exploded into a flaming wreck.

"YOWTCH!" Stacy yelped as she barely jumped away from the blast. "Geez, Candace, what was that for?

_**"Can't be too careful with all those weirdos running around!"**_ Candace explained.

"That wasn't even your car! You just took it from the junkyard and..." Stacy paused and realized something. "Which reminds me. Exactly HOW did you get that hunk of junk running again?"

_**"I'm an ace mechanic. See?"**_ To demonstrate, Candace pulled out a toolbox and began speeding all around the car. Within seconds, it was good as factory-new. _**"And to think I never had a lesson in my life!"**_ she proudly exclaimed as she wiped her hands clean.

"Before, you were barely able to put two Grippo blocks together, and now you're assembling entire cars from scratch?" Stacy looked over her friend with awe. "Geez, Candace, is there anything that mask can't let you do?"

_**"Do I have to repeat the song?"**_

"Uh, no. I'm just wondering, that's all."

_**"Good. Anyway... LET'S GET MATERIALISTIC!"**_ She reared up to run off, but paused and turned. _**"Oh, yeah, forgot again."**_ Candace pressed the button once more, causing the car to explode a second time, then grabbed Stacy's wrist and dashed full speed into the mall.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the mall's loading docks, Candace's arrival was spotted by Vanessa, who was watching the whole thing from behind the corner. "Well, we've found her," she proclaimed as she turned towards NORM. "Now let me get this through your metal head once more," she snapped. "I want to get this done without causing a scene, so don't waste time, okay? Get in, get the mask, and get out."

"Okey-dokey," NORM replied.

"And please don't talk!" she added. "Seriously, why couldn't he have built you with a mute button?"

"I'm very vocal about my work."

"Just get in there." NORM marched into the mall. Rubbing her forehead in exasperation, Vanessa wandered towards the front doors and let herself in. _Better make sure the walking bucket doesn't blow our cover._

* * *

_Twenty minutes later..._

As she and Stacy sat around the food court, Candace rummaged through her bags of clothing, oohing and ahhing over the stuff she bought. _**"Ooo, look at this one!"**_ she exclaimed as she held up a familiar red shirt and white miniskirt. _**"So cute... but soooo babyish!"**_ Tossing the outfit aside, Candace pulled out a very skimpy black dress. _**"Holy Toledo, now we're talking! So, whaddya think, Stacy. Does it go with my eyes?"**_ To illustrate, Candace literally pulled her eyeballs out of their sockets and showed them to Stacy, who couldn't help but shudder as they blinked right there in her hand. _**"Aw, why so serious?"**_

"Why don't you be serious with that thing for once?"

Putting her eyes back, Candace smiled once more through those crazy-huge teeth of hers. _**"I know what'll cheer you up."**_ She whipped out a bottle of pricey perfume. _**"TA-DA! Only the latest in Flawless Girl's fine line of cosmetic bliss. Y'know how the song goes: At the height of every trend, no shorter than five-foot-ten-"**_

"I know how the song goes, _Candace!_" Stacy snapped. "But sure, go ahead. Continue to wow me like I'm a tired audience in a magic show. Don't do anything meaningful, just show off constantly."

_**"Geez, I'm only trying to have some fun,"**_ Candace said, feeling a bit insulted. _**"I mean, if my brothers can go and do anything and everything they want in a day, then I-."**_

"Enough with the brothers!" No longer able to take it, Stacy stood up and threw her bag of shoes at Candace's head. "I'm sorry, Candace, but that mask is making you something that I don't like: a egomaniacal, self-absorbed lunatic," she said as she turned away. "And if you don't start doing something about it, then I'm leaving." Grabbing her bags, Stacy marched away.

_**"Well, fine! Leave for all I care!"**_ Candace uncharacteristically roared. _**"I don't need you nagging and holding me back!"**_ Feeling betrayed, she stomped off in her own direction and grumbled. _**"Call me a lunatic, will she? Well, she wouldn't know true lunacy if it hit her in the face."**_

**POW!** Candace walked right into a cold steel wall... one that wore a nice blue suit. Candace looked up to see what it was. _**"Meep!"**_

"Hi! My name is NORM!" the Robotic Man-inator greeted. "What a cute mask you're wearing. Can I see it?"

_**"Back off, pudgy man!"**_

"Pudgy? I'm watching my figure," came NORM's response. "Now can I see your mask?"

_**"I SAID get lost!"**_ Candace reared back and threw a punch at NORM, which had the predictable comical effect of what happens when one punches a Neighborly Oversized Robotic Man-inator. _**"Ow-ow-ow!"**_ Candace yelled as she leapt around clutching her wrist. Wincing, Candace looked up to NORM and smiled innocently. _**"Um... maybe that pudgy crack was a little bit out-of-line, wouldn't you say?"**_

NORM's response was a single punch to Candace's face. The force of the blow sent her flying head-first into a stack of drywall leaning against the front window of the aptly-named Drywall Depot store.

As NORM approached, Candace simply stood there, her head still stuck in the drywall stack as she crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently. _**"Okay, you wanna go nuts?"**_ she replied, _**"Well... LET'S GO NUTS!"**_ With no second thought, Candace pulled out a large flamethrower from lord-knows-where and sent a stream of flames searing towards NORM and everything else in front of her.

The mall patrons were quick to run away, but NORM began marching against the stream, his metallic frame undaunted by the fire. "We don't need to fight here," he announced. "Perhaps we can discuss our differences over coffee."

_**"Coffee, eh?"**_ Candace suddenly span into a tornado and slammed into NORM, knocking him off-kilter. As he recovered, Candace stopped spinning, revealing a new suit of coffee-shop clothes, complete with apron and paper hat. She threw a tall cup of piping-hot coffee at NORM's face. _**"That's one double-hot choco-mocha-latte to go! Will there be anything else? How about some SUGAR LUMPS?"**_ Candace drew her mallet and slammed it over NORM's head... to no real effect. The mallet snapped like a twig. _**"Well, that was useless,"**_ she grumbled.

"Yes. Yes it was," NORM replied. "Can I see your mask now?"

_**"Over my cold, unmoving body!"**_ NORM threw a punch, which missed Candace as she bounced out of the way. _**"Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo!"**_ she screamed madly as she continued bouncing all over the mall and into NORM, who continued to swing at her every chance he got. The mall was very quickly being smashed to pieces as the pair tore into each other in a classic battle of the unstoppable force verses the immovable object.

* * *

Off to the side and out of view, Vanessa watched the fight with a mix of fear and awe. "Dad, are you getting this?" she reported through her cell phone.

_"Uhhnn... Sorry, Vanessa, you'll have to speak louder,"_ Doofenshmirtz groaned. _"I can't hear you over the concussion."_

"Here. Just watch." Vanessa activated a small video recorder and pointed it at the dueling titans. "Seriously, it's not like your usual fights," she explained as she surveyed the damage. "It's more like... like some kind of war zone."

_"Which is why I want that mask."_

"Yeah, I can see why. It might just make you competent for once."

_"What?"_

"Sorry, gotta go!"

* * *

Candace was completely out-of-control as she continued to attack NORM from every conceivable angle, with every conceivable weapon. NORM looked the worse for wear, with scratches, burns, and torn metal strewn across his frame, but he just kept coming, smashing everything in his path as he continued his march for Candace and her mask.

A sinister gleam in her eyes, Candace removed one of her elbow-length gloves, revealing her bare arm holding an anvil. _**"Catch!"**_ Candace launched the heavy weapon at NORM, hitting him square in the head. She then removed her other glove and revealed a whirring buzzsaw. Cackling, she leapt at NORM and sliced his arm clean off.

NORM seemed to look uncomfortable, despite his smiling robotic face "This is not making my job any easier."

_**"You kidding? This isn't even ruining my eyeliner."**_ Candace swung the buzzsaw at NORM, making him back away slowly... up until he made a loud SPLAT!

NORM looked down and realized that he had stepped in wet cement. "Oh no!" he complained. "All over my new shoes."

_**"Very observant! And the buckethead gets a cigar."**_ Candace pulled a long, thin object out and stuck it in NORM's mouth. _**"Take twelve, they're small,"**_ she added as she put a dozen more all over NORM's face.

"No thanks. I don't smoke."

_**"You will now."**_ Cackling madly, Candace dashed away from sight.

NORM glanced over his body, and quickly saw that the 'cigars' were actually lit sticks of dynamite. "Remember, kids. Smoking is hazardous to your health." **BANG!**

* * *

_**"Oh, that was fun,"**_ Candace giggled as she skipped back to the food court and grabbed her bags. _**"Hey, Stacy! Time to go now."**_ She looked around to see that her friend was nowhere in sight. _**"Stacy? Stacy! STAAAA-CYYYY!"**_ Seeing that Stacy was gone, Candace scowled through her rubbery green face. _**"Well, that's just PEACHY! Now what am I supposed to do for the rest of the day?"**_

As she went outside, a loud sound from a horn caught her attention, and Candace turned to see a wheeled Viking boat row by the mall. Taking some binoculars from her "pocket", she saw exactly what she suspected: _**"Phineas and Ferb!"**_ she observed. _**"Perfect timing."**_

Candace's expression turned to one of complete malice. _**"Silly, twerpy, powerless brothers of mine... you are soooo BUSTED!"**_

* * *

Back inside the mall, NORM was slowly standing up. His head was charred with soot from the explosions, but he was otherwise operational. "I am going to feel that in the morning," he announced.

A young boy suddenly approached NORM. "Hey, mister. I found your arm." He held up the severed limb.

"Thank you," NORM said as took his arm and reattached it. "By any chance, have you seen a green-faced girl in a red dress go by here?"

"Uh, yeah. She went that way."

"Thank you." NORM got up and trudged out of the mall. The mall patrons paused to stare, then shrugged and went back to their shopping, despite the burning wreckage around the area.

Not even bothering with the door, NORM smashed right through the entrance. Vanessa ran up to meet him. "Are you crazy?" she shouted. "This is NOT what low-profile means!" But NORM wasn't listening as he shifted his shoes to rocket-skates and blasted off down the road. "NORM? NORM!"

Vanessa's cell phone suddenly rang. _"Vanessa, honey,"_ Doofenshmirtz called out. _"What's going on? Does NORM have my mask yet?"_

"Uh, sorry, Dad! Driving right now! Going in a tunnel!"

_"Wait a minute! You don't have a-"_ **Click**

_NORM, you galvanized idiot!_ Vanessa angrily fumed as she ran to the bus stop and hailed a bus. _At this rate, he's gonna get himself scrapped, and then Dad's gonna blame me!_

* * *

"Row, Vikings! Row!" Phineas chanted as he rowed in tandem with the Firesiders. "Adventure will soon befall us surely."

"I do not know about adventure," Baljeet spoke, "but I think that curry-burger is making me befall towards the bathroom."

Ferb sounded his horn again. "Hark, the warning signal!" Phineas turned to face behind the boat, and saw what appeared to be a green-faced woman in Viking armor riding a mechanical jet-propelled horse. "Man your arms, Vikings! We're being attacked by Valkyries!"

Buford looked confused. "Valkyries?"

"According to the Fireside Girls' Guide to Norwegian Mythology," Isabella read off a magazine, "Valkyries are Odin's messengers who escort slain mortals to Valhalla."

"And this helps us how?" Baljeet panicked.

"Who cares?" Buford drew a club from behind him. "Me and Mr. Poundy are itchin' for some action."

The rocket-horse sidled next to the ship, and out leapt Candace onto the deck. _**"Heeeeeere's CANDY!"**_ she announced as she drew her mega-hammer from behind her back. _**"I know this is kinda cliché, given the costume, but... Dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun, dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun, dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun, dun-dun-dun-DUNNNN!"**_

"Wow! That's one cool costume she's wearing!" Phineas exclaimed. "Hey there! How'd you make it look so real?" Still bellowing the iconic song, Candace swung her hammer at her brothers, who both quickly ran for the back of the boat to avoid it. "Boy, she sure is getting into character," he added to Ferb.

Candace then swung her hammer at the Firesiders, who quickly scattered to avoid the smashing as it smashed through the floor of the boat. Buford shouted a war cry as he leapt at Candace with his club, but she merely smacked him across the fanny and towards the stern. With no one at the oars or rudder, the boat began to rock and curve dangerously off-course.

She then took another swing and smashed the Viking ship in two, leaving herself and her brothers standing on the rear half. The front half was sent flying off-course, with everybody hanging on for dear life as they flew through the air with a fearful scream before smashing right through the head of a large woodsman statue and into the roof behind it.

As everybody recovered, Baljeet looked down to see the statue of a big blue ox and smiled. "Thank Valhalla for the timely intervention of Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haüs," he proclaimed.

_Pauuuul Bunyan's! Where the food is good! (But not TOO good, eh?)_

Back with the Flynn siblings, their half of the boat was now rolling uncontrollably through the streets. Phineas had picked up a discarded oar from the side and was using it to joust with Candace as she expertly blocked and countered with her mallet. Ferb, meanwhile, was trying to shut the engine down to no avail.

"Y'know, maybe we should abandon ship!" Phineas called out, but Candace didn't seem to listen as she began leaning forward on his diminuitive frame. A large blue body suddenly came up beside the wreck, one which Phineas recognized. "Hey, it's that awesome robot again! What's he doing here?"

NORM didn't reply as he grabbed Candace by her crayon de coup and held her to eye level. "Now can I have your mask?" he asked/demanded as he slowed his rocket shoes down to a stop. To emphasize, NORM reared back his other hand and made a fist, ready to tear Candace's head off. "Or will Daddy have to spank?"

_**"Wait! You can't spank me!"**_ Candace cried out as she drew a suspiciously-shaped pie with a lit fuse in its middle. _**"We haven't even had dessert yet!"**_ She slammed the pie in NORM's face, blowing up on impact and launching her out of his grip.

As she landed, Candace shifted back to her dress and drew a pair of huge machine guns. _**"Eat lead, rust-buckets!"**_ she roared as she pulled the trigger and began shooting everything in sight, laughing like a woman possessed by demonic lunacy. Everybody in the area was now running for their lives as the entire city block was shot up to high-heaven.

Poor NORM was helpless as his metal frame began looking like so much Swiss cheese. "Please, no more!" he eventually moaned. "I've had a long day at the office."

"Drop the guns, now!" Taken by surprise, Candace flung her hands up and turned to see Vanessa staring back at her, holding what looked like a blow-dryer as if it were a ray-gun. "I don't know how you're doing this, but it's obvious that you are completely off your rocker," she threatened, hoping Candace would fall for the bluff. "Now take off the mask before you kill someone, or I will have to-."

_**"NEVER!"**_ Grabbing Vanessa by the neck, Candace lifted the taller woman effortlessly. _**"This is MY mask, you little black tart!"**_ she roared with an unholy rage. _**"No one's EVER taking it from me, not my brothers, not the walking toaster over there, and ESPECIALLY not you!"**_

With every last vestige of self-restraint gone, Candace threw Vanessa onto the ground in front of NORM and pulled out a small grenade, painted red and with a dangerous-looking skull on its side. _**"Yippie-ki-yay, runamuckers!"**_ she seethed hatefully as she bit off the pin and chewed it up furiously. _**"Send my regards to the big Mouse in the sky!"**_

* * *

Meanwhile, Ferb had finally regained control of the ship and was in the middle of trying to steer it to safety when he looked back and saw Candace threatening Vanessa. Ferb scowled. "Now it's personal," he whispered as he spun it into a U-turn. Opening up the engine, Ferb adjusted a few settings, making the boat roar and squeal like a drag racer spinning its tires.

Curious, Phineas looked into the engine. "Uh, Ferb..." he uncharacteristically worried. "What are you doing with the override?" He got his answer as the boat blasted forward at a very-unsafe speed. Phineas then noticed that the boat was now on a crash course with NORM from behind. "Ferb, I really think we need to... you know... get off the boat now."

But Ferb would not budge as he kept the boat on-course. At the speed they were going, the force of collision would surely be the end for the two step-brothers. At the last second, Ferb reached behind the engine and pulled a hidden lever, causing the floor of the boat to launch up into the air and catapult the two boys away.

Still holding the grenade, Candace looked up to see the incoming vehicle approaching. Seeing her chance to escape, Vanessa quickly got up and ran off, just as NORM was shoved by the force of the boat. He in turn slammed into Candace, and they both were sent rocketing into a nearby alleyway.

And that's when the grenade exploded, consuming the entire alleyway in a mighty blast.

* * *

As the dust settled from the blast, Vanessa simply sat there with her mouth hanging open, still unable to believe all that had just happened in the span of one minute. She was so stupefied that she almost didn't hear her cell-phone ring.

After a few rings, she slowly picked up. _"Well?"_ came Doofenshmirtz's impatient reply.

Her stupefied moment suddenly over, Vanessa scowled. "NORM's busted," she reported true-to-form, "just like you'll be when Mom hears about this."

_"Vanessa, could you please salvage NORM?"_

"Do it yourself! I'm heading home." Hanging up, Vanessa got up and marched away. All she wanted to do now was forget this day ever happened... though she doubted she ever would. Nearly being killed by that green-faced woman was something she'd never forget.

* * *

Holding her head, Candace sat up and felt herself over. _I'm alive?_ she realized as she felt her face. _Oh, right. The mask makes me indestructible._

With a groan, Candace stood up and looked out towards the streets of Danville. Streetlamps were torn, windows were broken, cars were burning, and debris littered every last corner of the area. What have I done? she asked herself as if coming out of a trance. What have I been doing?

Slowly, the memories returned to her. Her madcap dash through town. Her constant tormenting of her best friends. All the destruction she had caused and revelled in. _Stacy was right. This thing IS making me crazy,_ Candace realized. _It's like my body's running on autopilot and my brain's just watching. And after how I nearly... oh, god..._ Candace moaned in shame as she thought of how close she came to actually harming her brothers, not to mention her best friends, that girl in black, and... well... pretty much everybody else in Danville.

With a sigh, Candace grabbed at her face and removed the mask, instantly reverting back to her plain-jane self. She stood up and walked towards a sewer drain, its vents beckoning her to toss the mask in. "Right. Into the gutter you go, you troublesome trinket." Candace held the mask up high, ready to be rid of it forever...

But she couldn't do it! Try as she might, she was simply unable to let go, as if something in her head was saying that dumping the mask was an even worse idea than simply keeping it. Sighing in resignation, Candace instead reached into a trash can and pulled out a paper bag, which she stuck the mask into and wrapped tightly shut.

Hiding the bag beneath her shirt, Candace stepped out of the alley to see Phineas and Ferb climbing down from the awning of the open-air market they had landed on top of. "I wonder where she went, that Valkyrie?" Phineas asked. "I really wanted to ask her where she got her outfit made."

"Hi, boys."

"Oh, hey, Candace!" Phineas greeted. "Are you okay? You look a bit tired."

"I'm fine. Just... worn out for today." Candace managed a smile. "Anyway, I think I'll call this one a draw, so let's clean up and go home." A familiar face then brushed up against her leg. "Oh, there you are, Perry."

* * *

_Later, at O.W.C.A. Headquarters..._

"And this is what Agent A gave us from his sewer recon," Carl announced as he held up photos of the masked Candace in action against NORM. Nearby, an alligator in a fedora sat next to Carl, his tail bearing a large bite wound from a past fight with a Fireside Girl. "She's dangerous, sir, moreso than all the Doofenshmirtzes, Poofenplotzes, and other evil scientists of the world put together." The intern fixed his glasses and blushed. "Gotta admit, though... she is kinda cute, in a psychotic sort of way."

"I see your point, Carl." Major Monogram turned to face Perry as he sat in his chair. "Agent P, in light of these new events, I'm assigning you to maintain observation over this woman, whom we have code-named 'Green-Face'. Not very clever, I admit, but our naming staff doesn't happen to be the best of talent," he explained, shooting a glare at Carl. "Now, you will still be expected to serve as our first-line agent against Dr. Doofenshmirtz, but consider this a side-mission for when you're not on the clock. We need to ensure that this woman does not compromise the secrecy of our activities. Dismissed."

As Perry left the office, he growled to himself in anger. No sooner did he get home when the Major called him in for a rare face-to-face conference, and in his office, no less. That itself was evidence that the Green-Face situation was dire. Perry secretly blamed himself: he had been stupid to let that the mask escape his watch, and now it was in the hands of that loud girl he had to live with.

About the only good thing, Perry realized, was that only she, Doofenshmirtz, and himself were aware of the mask itself. If word got out about it, there would be chaos in the Tri-State Area for sure, and not the usual kind of chaos. It'd be absolute pandemonium as everybody fought over that mask. No, best to keep this one under the hat, Perry decided. He only hoped that she wouldn't be a pain with that thing.

* * *

Back at the Flynn house, Candace was in her room facing Stacy and Jeremy. They had been waiting for her the moment she got home, feeling that an intervention was in order, and Candace had been apologizing for the past half-hour over everything that mask drove her to do. Surprisingly, they took her apologies quite well.

"So, you two aren't mad at me?" Candace meekly spoke as she sat on her bed, the mask at her side. "After all the mean things I've done?"

"Hey, y'know what they say: Forgive and forget," Stacy replied. "Though I doubt I'll ever forget this."

"Yep," Candace replied. "Well, I learned my lesson, and you'll both be happy to know that from now on, there won't be any more mask business to muddle my brain up."

"I'm proud of you, Candace," Jeremy replied. "If anything, you're showing responsibility already."

"Eheheh..." Candace sheepishly giggled, as she always did when Jeremy complimented her. She then frowned. "I suppose I should get rid of this, huh?" she asked, gesturing towards the mask.

Stacy was the first to speak up. "Yes. No offense, but you're a much nicer person when your face is _not_ green."

"On the other hand, what if someone else finds it? You saw what it did with me, so who's to say it won't end up with someone _worse?_"

"I still say get rid of it." Stacy turned to leave. "Anyway, I'm heading home. See ya tomorrow."

"Bye, Stacy." Jeremy waved as Stacy left the room. He then turned to Candace. "So, Candace, you wanna hang out, you and me?"

"YES!... I mean, I-I would love to," she stammed in embarassment. "Oh, and before you go... I'm sorry for earlier."

"Aw, it's nothing," Jeremy replied. "It was weird, but actually kinda cool. Could've been less clingy, though."

"I know. But don't worry, 'cause you won't be seeing Green-Face ever again. Candace Flynn will be herself and no one else," she said with finality. "Anyway, I'll be down in a minute." Jeremy shot a smile to Candace as he left the room.

A few seconds later, after looking around to make sure no one was watching, Candace opened up her closet and stuffed the mask deep in the very back. This would be her secret, away from prying eyes. As far as she hoped, she wouldn't need to wear it again, but she wasn't going to risk it falling into the wrong hands. There were enough strange people and happenings in the Tri-State Area to begin with. _Besides,_ she told herself, _it might come in handy someday._ As she closed the closet, a small mischievious smirk crossed her face. _Maybe sooner than that..._

The rest of her summer was going to be very interesting indeed...

* * *

_Epilogue..._

"Lousy little... destroys my own robot, leaves me to clean him up. Curse you, green-faced teenage girl!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz gathered up the last of NORM's strewn body parts and dumped them into the back of his truck. "Well, all that's missing is the head. I wonder where it fell?" He glanced around for a bit, then shrugged. "Eh, it'll turn up eventually." With a sigh, Doofenshmirtz got in his truck and drove off.

Had Doofenshmirtz turned around, he would've seen the repair staff of Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haüs replacing the lost head on their statue with a new one. "Steady now, eh?" the leader ordered in a thick Canadian accent. "We wanna make sure he keeps this one." The other workers nodded as they finished welding the head to the body. "And there! Perfect, eh?"

The repairmen climbed down and left, revealing the transplanted head for all to see. It was NORM, complete with spray-painted beard and woodsman's hat. "Hi! I'm NORM. Welcome to Paul Bunyan's," he exclaimed as he began to sing. _Pauuuul Bunyan's! Where the food is good! (But not TOO good, eh?)_

**_THE END!_**


End file.
